Tumblr Q&A!

Hey guys, I know I’ve been super absent.  I find it easier to not only keep up with the community news but also to interact with people on Tumblr, especially followers that might have questions or if I just want to reblog/post a quick thing.  I  know that there’s an ask box that’s addable on WordPress, but I haven’t been able to find it/haven’t been able to figure out how to add it.  So great with computers, I am.

But I feel bad, I miss you guys!  So what I’m going to do is open up my Tumblr inbox to literally ANY question you guys have, regardless of being related to kink or asexuality though of course that’s what this/that blog is about.

It is currently 6:30 AM EST on Wednesday, March 29, so I think I’m going to end the ‘any ask goes’ event at 11:59 PM EST on Saturday, April 1.  I’ll reblog this periodically over there so everyone gets a chance to see it, but I miss you guys and I think this would be a good opportunity not only for a ‘get to know me’ session but also to answer some really good questions that people may have.  I won’t post any of the answers until Sunday after I close the inbox for clarity and because of my personal schedule unless it’s something time sensitive.

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Anecdote of the Week

I’ve been on a new project the past few weeks and tonight was our last night so we all went out to dinner.  Three of us have worked together at another company so we were reminiscing about some of the people there.

“Well, they have W, he’s a workhorse,” said J.  “You know, they reward him then abuse him then reward him then abuse him.  There has to be a name for that.”

“Bad BDSM,” said A.  “50 Shades of CRM.”

Hey. I’m trans and super dysphoric. I would never want to do anything sexual with another person ever, but I unfortunately have a high libido and have to give myself orgasms, like having to take a piss or smth. I do it while imagining boys puking. I’ve done this since I was a kid, I don’t know why! Am I a kinky asexual? How can I explain this to ppl I want to date (I’m biromantic btw)? Why am I like this? My bizarre kink coupled with my disgust at the very idea of sex makes me feel weird.

I had an ex-playpartner who did some really messed up things to me (didn’t let me have a safeword, took pictures during a scene without my permission). But sometimes when I’m trying to fantasize, she comes up in my thoughts, and I find myself getting turned on by it. It really upsets me and makes me question whether or not what happened was really abuse if I’m apparently getting off on it now. I know in my head that’s not true, but it’s hard to actually believe. I don’t know what to think.

(tw sexual abuse, graphic sex, kink) I was hoping you or your followers would be willing to give me some guidance. If not, sorry to bother. OK so this is really vulnerable for me. I’m sex repulsed and asexual, after sexual abuse. I NEVER want anyone around my bits. But kink turns me on sexually and I like getting off on it alone. I don’t have a partner, but might like to involve coming in partnered kink. Not sure what triggers to brace for. Also, kink partners don’t understand, I don’t even.

So, I identify as panromantic and know that I fall somewhere in the asexual spectrum. I’ve been involved in BDSM for about 4 years off and on, and I’ve had a few interactions that I now understand were triggering for me as a survivor of sexual assault. I never really had an issue identifying as kinky and ace and a survivor before, but I’m starting to think about it all as connected more than ever. It worries me. How do I move forward comfortable in my identity, despite this new awareness?

Just so you know, you are hardly the only victim of sexual assault involved in kink; you’re far from being the only asexual survivor involved in kink.  It’s sad that there are so many, but it does give you a nice community to turn to when you’re really struggling.  I don’t know of any particular groups for kinky sexual assault survivors; however, if you haven’t already, I would check out @resourcesforacesurvivors.  They do a lot of great work and have a lot of great resources for ace survivors.

As ar as how to move forward being comfortable?  Well, that may take some time.  There’s nothing I can say or do that’s going to be a magic fix.  But we’re going to start with my favourite word: analysis.  Really sit there and think about those moments that were triggering for you- were they with a certain person?  A certain kind of player?  Were they the same scene?  Were they the same theme?  If you find the underlying current that’s causing you being triggered, you can avoid it.  If you’ve been in BDSM for four years, you already know that you are not required to do every scene offered to you.  Just put that element on your list of hard limits, and hopefully that helps.  I would also refer to this post, because even though it’s about how to prevent BDSM being used as a form of self harm, it’s the same basic guidelines I would give to figure out how to experiment and go about with this.

And of course, remember that any scenes you participate in, you have control over.  Even if you’re tied up and being submissive, you get to say when they end.  You get to say what they involve, you get to say what you don’t like.  BDSM is about playing with the taboo, sure, but you get to decide what your personal taboos are.  You get to decide how far you want to go.  Even when one person is tied and gagged and being whipped senseless, it’s supposed to be a meeting of the minds.  So work on finding a player who you really trust, on scenes that make you feel good, and consult your circle of friends to find people who you can talk to when you really need it.  Playing with taboos doesn’t mean that you need to feel unsafe.

*fidgets* Hi, so a while ago i witnessed something that was extremely traumatizing, led to extreme depression, self-harm, etc. Ever since then I haven’t been able to get enough of really kinky stuff. Fantasies and play that would be extremely harmful to people in real life. I’m pretty sure that I’m asexual but I don’t understand why this stuff appeals to me especially after what happened. I just don’t know what to think…

You aren’t the only one who experiences things like this.  For some people, the thing they witnessed or went through unlocks latent desires they weren’t aware they had.  For others, these fantasies and engaging in the play works as a method of coping for them to work through the trauma they experienced.

You need to remember two things.  One: fantasies are not. real.  They aren’t real.  Unless you actually engage in them with an unwilling participant, they aren’t real, no one is getting hurt, despite how disturbing they may be.  Your fantasies will not harm anyone, ever.  Two: play is just that, play.  If you do decide to engage in these scenes, they are also not really real, as in at any point you and the other participant(s) get to decide when it stops.  And you don’t have to cause real harm to get the proxy sensation.  I would refer to this post, because even though it goes into how to prevent using BDSM as a form of self harm, it will have some relevance for your current situation.

If your fantasies are disturbing you to a point where you’re constantly anxious or feeling sick over them, I would consult a mental health professional.  Will they make the fantasies go away?  No, probably not.  But they will help you work through the underlying issues, help normalise these for you so they don’t cause you so much stress, and who knows, maybe they’ll eventually go away or transform on their own.  It is important to remember that as time goes on and as people mature and change, their (sexual or not) fantasies tend to change in one form or another anyway, even kinky people.  It’s entirely possible that the same may happen for you.